Friday, 27 November 2015

Motoring mingers

The other day I passed the local Bentley dealer and was staggered at the sight that met my eyes.
With my salary and aversion to outward displays of financial excess, Bentleys aren't something that are generally on my radar, but what I was seeing was so disturbing it inspired me to do a post about ugly cars.

Now I realise that the old maxim 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' is just as relevent with cars as it is when related to women (lots of guys think Jennifer Lawrence is hot stuff, but I don't see it) and my opinions shared here may not be shared by the reader, but here's my countdown of what I consider to be the ugliest cars ever to disgrace the roads.


10. Citroen C4 Cactus:
Citroen have on many occasions proved themselves to be such an innovative manufacturer and it's hard to understand how the company that gave us the original DS could think it might be a good idea to glue an inflatable mattress to the side of a car.


9. Chrysler PT Cruiser:
It never works when a company tries to make something with a vintage style while having to comply with modern regulations, and the PT Loser is a case in point. In black it looks like a shortened hearse.


8. Hyundai ATOZ:
Oh please... a bug-eyed lunch box supported by four biscuits. No. Just no.


7. Dodge Ram:
I'm sorry, but even the presence of a big fuck-off V10 engine doesn't detract from the fact that the only people who would drive this road-going leviathan are blokes with a major inferiority complex and a very small penis.


6. Reliant Robin:
With all the stability of a teenager after eight pints of cider, the plastic pig has a small but dedicated bunch of enthusiasts who presumably run the owner's club from the safety of their padded cells.


5. Morgan Aero Eight:
When the classic Morgan style went head-to-head with a wind tunnel they came up with a cross-eyed frog that has been punched in the nose.


4. Bentley Mulsanne:

It comes to something when even Bentley can fuck up this bad. This looks like one of those cases where the Chinese have made yet another misguided attempt to replicate a proper prestige European car.


3. Fiat Multipla:
In Fiat's desperation to fit three people abreast in the front seat they successfully created a mobile greenhouse that is difficult to park due to its width and looks like it should be an insurance write-off due to having had a piano land on the bonnet.


2. Perodua Kenari:
There really is no excuse for making a car look as shit as this. Driven exclusively by octogenerians who have already lost most of their eyesight along with their sense of style and their self-respect.


1. Lamborghini Egoista:
Considering Italy's reputation for style, it's hard to comprehend how Lamborghini who have brought us such delights as the Miura, the Murcielago, and the Huracan, could have come up with this dogs dinner. It's as if they sent the usual design team on holiday and drafted in a bunch of five year-olds with a fetish for HotWheels products. Having spent three minutes with a pack of felt-tip pens and a ruler, they produced something that even Batman himself would be embarassed to be seen in.


So there we have it. There were a few that were just edged out ot the top ten, like the Alfa Romeo Disco Volante which appears to have been designed by several different people who never actually met, and the Ford Scorpio which for good reason appears on lots of ugly cars lists. Then there was the Skoda Roomster which had the front half designed independent of the back half and then the two bits were crudely welded together.
Since car design was taken away from artists and put in the hands of computers and wind tunnels, one car looks pretty much like the next, but clearly that doesn't mean that we've stopped being subjected to the occasional Friday afternoon job.