Wednesday, 28 October 2015

A Perfect Unicorn

As the TV companies show no sign of reversing their policy of showing nothing but crap in the evenings (a step up from the utter mindless shite they put out in the daytime), we are continuing along the path of online entertainment plus a light scattering of DVD box sets to while away the empty hours between dinner and bed.
The most recent of these has been the DVD set of 'Men Behaving Badly', which kept me highly amused back in the 90's.
For those who don't remember, this was a comedy that revolved around two blokes who refused to grow up, and the rather reluctant women who were the object of their affections.
It was a common occurrence for the lads to be sprawled on the sofa in front of the TV with several lagers on the go, discussing what their perfect woman would be like. They'd normally start with Kylie Minogue's bottom and work from there; picking favourite physical attributes from various celebrities.

In times of complete boredom this game can be fun but only as an exercise in imagination because, as we all know, perfection doesn't exist.
Oh, I know there are some people in this world that think they are perfect, but the rest of us know that those people are self-deluding fuckwits that you wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.
I expect most of us have fantasized about what our perfect mate would look like, and with TV, movies, magazines and the internet giving us unlimited access to sources of inspiration, countless winning combinations of body parts can join in our minds to create our own personal fantasy.

What would our real reason be for dedicating brain space to this obviously pointless activity?
As a species we rarely seem to be completely satisfied with our reality, and are always looking for ways to improve it - even if it's something as mind numbing as kitchen taps for instance. You have taps on your kitchen sink and they work fine, but take a walk around Homebase and suddenly you desperately want something cooler than the existing bog-standard items.
In the same way, you might love how your wife's bum looks in tight jeans, but even a walk around the supermarket will turn up one that looks more exciting.
So we might think "She's great, but she'd be better with Winona Ryder's nose", but what we're doing here is starting to create a sexual fantasy, which is what Gary and Tony were doing during their lager-fuelled slob-outs.
It would be easy to mentally assemble a collection of bits and come up with something that would prevent you from ever wanting to leave the bedroom. I could say I'd have Keira Knightley's face, Kate Beckinsale's bum, Anne Hathaway's boobs etc, etc, but it wouldn't do any good.

I expect we all have a list of turn-ons and turn-offs; attributes we'd prefer our partner to have or not have.
My personal turn-ons would include long dark hair, big brown eyes, nice perky boobs, slim body, a warm smile, a kind heart, confidence, and a ravenous sexual appetite.
Turn-offs include tattoos, smoking, narcissism, excessive talking about 'he said, she said' nonsense, and fat bellies.
This is all very well but when it comes down to it, all that can be blown away by the right person.
When you find someone who you can have a decent conversation with, is kind and caring, lifts you up when you're feeling down, and with whom you can share all of life's ups and downs without wanting to kill each other, you find that all your dreams and desires aren't what you thought they were.
The wife doesn't look like Audrey Hepburn and I don't look like Vin Diesel, but it doesn't matter when there are so many other aspects of a person that are far more important.
So while Gary and Tony may have enjoyed their sofa-bound sessions of rampant objectification, and provided plenty of laughs in the process, it just serves to illustrate a very important point.
The perfect woman (or man) is just a unicorn.
They don't really exist.