Sunday, 23 March 2014

The rings of terror reign, but they're not alone

Audi drivers suck. I don't know what it is about Audis, but it seems that 95 percent of them are driven by complete wankers. It's almost as though all the arseholes that previously drove BMWs and Mercs put aside their differences and settled on one marque for all of them - a single banner to unite under in their attempt to become Olympic standard highway bastards, and what better choice to make than the company who's logo looks a lot like that of the Olympic games.
On the plus side, seeing this badge looming in your rear view mirror does at least give you warning that the car behind is at some point going to do something very stupid and aggressive so it won't come as a surprise when it happens.

Unfortunately not all the bastards were prepared to unite and struck out on their own, sometimes breaking off into distinct factions and sometimes going completely independent.
Those who aspired to the Audi club but didn't have the means plumped for Volkswagen (generally either a Golf or Passat) and vowed to devote their time to proving that they are just as arrogant as any Audi driver.
Then we have the Seats. These are the Audi drivers of the future. The apprentices. The up-and-coming wannabe's who still haven't moved beyond the cheap-lager-and-football phase but still make every effort to prove themselves worthy in the hope that the Audi club take notice and let them join - probably a process involving incense and funny handshakes.
The clear link here is that these factions are based upon companies that are part of the Audi group, but considered lower ranking in the hierarchy of 'lifestyle' bullshit.

But what of the independents? The highway bastards who have gone rogue and have little or nothing to distinguish them from the everyday Joes who are just getting on with it and minding their own business. Experience tells us to be wary of certain things out there such as four-foot blondes in 4x4s, young blokes with their baseball cap on backwards and loud thumping bass beats emanating from their small hatchback on 18 inch rims, very shiny pick-up trucks, and of course the standard issue white van.
This week the more unusual ones have included a medium sized hatchback of indeterminate origin - I say this because although I suspect it to have been something like a Kia Cee'd I was too busy doing an emergency stop to be absolutely certain, as he tore out of a junction across the front of me without even slowing down. And this was within 30 seconds of leaving the house. It didn't bode well.
There was also the utter nob in the Lamborghini Murcielago. Creeping along in the homeward-bound commute with the usual tailbacks, something yellow pulled out of the queue about ten cars back before catapulting itself past about twenty vehicles in what I must admit was a glorious wave of highly tuned V12 sound, before brutally forcing itself between two cars to avoid a head-on collision. When you're driving something like that which already stands out it really doesn't do to draw extra attention to yourself by behaving like a twat.
These are just a couple of examples along with the standard issue barry-boy in a blue Vauxhall Calibra with big alloys who pissed off and endangered a huge number of motorists in his quest to be in front of everyone and ended up being further behind than when he started (I did laugh), the two ignorant bitches blocking the road with their 4x4s so they could have a chat through their open windows, and the inevitable and seemingly endless parade of numptys, most of whom were displaying the four rings of terror on the grille.

It really is a shame, because when you get down to it Audis are great cars. They're solid, well built, stylish, perform and handle well, and in general have a lot going for them. Personally I love the look of the A7 and the R8 (the poor man's Gallardo), and I'd love to own an RS4 (although I couldn't afford to run one). But for all that there's no way I could own an Audi because I don't want to join their drivers club and be magically transformed into a total arse every time I put on my seat belt.
Maybe one day the highway bastards will shift their allegiance to another marque, and then perhaps it will be socially acceptable to own one.