Sunday, 10 March 2013

Tit not Tat

I can't hold it in any longer. The overwhelming desire to rant about my biggest pet hate has finally got the better of me and I need to vent.
There are many things that piss me off including Audi drivers, litter louts, other people's iPods, thieves, Skrillex and Chris Evans. But none of these create quite as much bile as tattoos on women.
Now at this point I should say that there was a time a few years ago that I considered getting a tattoo, but as it involved doing something permanent to my body it would need to be a careful decision. So I gave myself time to look around at the world around me and came to the conclusion that I didn't want to look a twat, especially when I got old and it got blurry and indecipherable.
Now tattoos have been around for an extremely long time and while I can accept that perhaps soldiers in a military unit would want to have their emblem on them, the flip side of the coin is the recent surge in popularity of tattoos with women. They've become trendy, an essential accessory to go with the Mini and the designer shoes. From the cute little dolphin on the shoulder, through the ridiculously trashy 'tramp stamp' across the lower back, to all-over desecration, I hate them all with a passion.
To me tattoos are the most unflattering, unsexy, unfeminine thing a woman can do to herself. If Anne Hathaway was to fling herself naked on the bed in front of me demanding to be satisfied and I was faced with a tattoo of a frisky lizard darting its tongue where mine should rightly be, I'd hand her her coat and tell her to sod off.
The female body is a wonder of natures creation (mostly) and it does not need decoration like that.
It's like buying a Ferrari and slapping one of those tacky 'No Fear' stickers on the back. Or redecorating the Sistine Chapel with scenes from Reservoir Dogs. It shouldn't be done.
How many people are going to reach middle age to find that the tattoos they so desperately wanted when they were younger are suddenly a major embarrassment that stops them from wanting to go swimming or wear the clothes they'd want to. Something they dread being seen if they have to strip off for a new partner perhaps.
Personally I like a bit of porn (there, I admit it) but even that little pleasure has been trashed by this passion for paint. Stupendously gorgeous women who disrobe to reveal a rose bush growing up her flanks or something. It's horrible, unnecessary and this mutilation needs to stop.
Maybe it will. Hopefully it's just a fashion fad like platform soles and bell-bottoms, but by the time the victims realise it will be too late and they're stuck with their mistake for the rest of their life.
On the other hand perhaps I'm just a moaning old fart who has excessively outspoken views on certain things.